I connected with M yesterday for the second time in under a week, and I’m definitely grateful for the sessions.
Something I realized during the session was kind of a breakthrough though.
The pandemic raging around the world as I write this would be enough stress for even the most mentally tough person to handle. Two years ago the stress of it alone would have been enough to push me towards a hospital admission, never mind everything else that’s been on my plate of recent.
Adding on everything else that I’ve been struggling with, there really is no way I should be functioning right now, yet here I am. Yes, I’m struggling with my moods. I am mentally and physically drained with everything that’s been going on; but, instead of self-harming or going suicidal as I am sometimes want to do, I’m maintaining and actively looking for assistance from my mental health team to keep my ass out of hospital. For me, that is a switch in perspective that has kind of snuck up on me. M pointed it out to me during our session.
I am concerned though. Despite the fact that I am still functioning despite everything thrown at me, a part of my mind is waiting for the seemingly inevitable crash. In a weird way I’m almost feeling like I want to be doing worse than I am. I don’t understand it.
Looking at everything though, despite the chaos, I have positives in my life. I have a mental health team that takes my concerns seriously. I have a job that I love, and other avenues of income. Despite the hell I’ve been through, I’m still standing. I’m not suicidal. I’m not urging to self-harm. Like my doctor said, for me, that is a switch.
I don’t know what the future holds, and right now the whole world is in turmoil. All I can focus on is to keep maintaining and keep building toward opportunities for when this mess finally does lift.
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