Seeking my own approval

Today was fairly quiet.

I managed to get some time in on the “Outer Worlds,” wrote some mental health related opinion pieces for the paper, did a couple hours of studying, housework, and even managed to get 20 minutes in on the treadmill.

All in all it’s been a productive day.

I also received my last school assignment back, and was pleasantly surprised with the mark. Considering the misgivings I had submitting that particular assignment, I will happily take the mark I received. The assignment did really emphasize the disconnect between my abilities and my self-confidence though.

I’m proving to myself repeatedly that I have the ability to be successful in my writing, yet I question my abilities as a matter of routine. There are times I feel like an imposter doing the job I am. I have no qualifications. I’m just a guy. Yet, the words I write, the stories I chronicle resonate in my community.

The thing I don’t know is how to make these stories, these abilities, resonate within me. What good is having the ability if I second-guess myself every time I use it? I need to quit seeking the approval of others and start feeding on the approval of myself.

The fact is, I do generally know what I’m talking about. I also know that not everyone is going to agree with me all the time, and that’s okay.

It’s a balance though. I need to be sure of myself, but I can’t afford to let myself too far the other direction, becoming cocky, arrogant, and unable to learn from mistakes, all attributes that have been used to describe me before.

It’s all food for thought, but I’m not going to solve the problem tonight. I’m unlikely to solve it in a week, or even a month, but looking back, being able to identify the issue I can see that I have already made forward progress. It’s just going to take time and patience.

Thanks for following along on my journey.


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