Despite not sleeping very well last night, this morning I have woken up feeling more of a spark than I’ve had in the last few days.
I’ve been able to get up and get motivated, already finishing up some work, and being able to sketch out some semblance of a plan for the day.
The last few days have been hard. Between the fatigue and moods dropping, my energy level and ambition have been lacking. The depression and listlessness have had me feeling like I was headed for the edge yet again. All the same feelings and thoughts were there. Everything the same, yet different.
The over-arching feeling of being overwhelmed isn’t there. As uncomfortable as the thoughts and feelings that float through the darkest recesses of my mind are, the urgency to act on them isn’t there. In short, it’s uncomfortable, but not intolerable.
I need to look at what’s different this time compared to others.
For starters, I know I’ve been here before. The fact that I have pushed through this before is taking away the immediacy and the urgency.
Second, my schedule is busy enough that I have things to look forward to. I’ve got my photography conference this coming Sunday. I have the Brentwood School function next week, and I have the trip to Saskatchewan to look forward to towards the middle of the month. As well, I have my work commitments and school which are helping me keep engaged in the meantime.
Third, the support I have is more than anyone could hope for. From Lynn, to everyone who has reached out on Facebook, I know I have support.
With the fatigue issues still lingering, and my moods still swinging, I know I need to be wary moving forward. Just because today is an uptick doesn’t mean the war is over. I still need to be gentle with myself. I need to let myself rest. I need to let myself heal. I need to use the tools I have at hand, which includes distraction, reading, writing, and basically everything I would do in hospital. Doing those things will hopefully let me get away without another fall admission.
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