Tired in the now.

The fatigue is sinking it’s claws deeper and deeper into me.

It’s 9 p.m, as I write this and I am ready for bed. I just feel drained.

As tired as I am feeling though, I’m not feeling the sense of hopelessness that typically accompanies such a soul sucking depletion of my core energy. I’m not feeling depressed, just tired.

Tired I can live with, because sleep helps tired. It’s just when the exhaustion has reached the point where sleep doesn’t help anymore that I know I am on the down slide.

The fatigue I’m feeling is the fatigue that carries with it a sense of accomplishment. With it being seniors week in our community, I’ve been pretty steady for the paper, plus with Lynn being gone, I’m having to be ever more vigilent with the dogs.

I slept in this morning, but my usual routine has been having me up by quarter past seven, and starting my day. And that’s not up as in hitting the snooze for the 15th time up. It’s alarm has gone off and feet are hitting the floor up, despite my body telling me it’s too early, giving me permission to get more rest.

The early mornings are just one part of a lifestyle change that I’ve been working on. I’ve been finding that since I’ve made some small changes in my life, such as the going to bed early and getting up earlier, the fitness regime, and the busier schedule with work, that my moods have been a lot more stable.

What I’ve been doing is working. Will it always work?

Who knows. I know that the autumn months are the hardest on me, with the bulk of my admissions being in the months of August to November. The only reason I can think of for that is that those are the months where I have had the worst calls, the ones that still haunt me from my past life as an EMT.

Recovery from this beast in my mind is not a straight line, and while I can measure the gains I have made I can take nothing for granted.

Adding in the extra strain of going back to school this fall, albeit virtually, is not going to help matters any. The thing of it is, I can’t go looking for problems now, seeing as it’s only the beginning of June. There is still the entire summer between now and then. I’m looking forward to the schooling, even if it will be extra stress. I think it will be a good stress that can help keep me grounded. Besides, let’s face it, what will happen will happen.

I could swing through the fall with no issues. I could not. If I do, fantastic, star for me. If I do have problems, I’ll do what I’ve always done. I’ll get in front of them before they get too far out of hand. I’ll work my safety plan, a copy of which I always have nearby. If I have to, I’ll go into hospital for a tweak.

My last admission was just over a week in length, which is by far the shortest I’ve had in years. With the level of awareness I am getting in myself, as long as I don’t wait too long I don’t see why history can’t repeat itself.

Like I said, all of that is a problem for another day. Right now I’m more stable than I have been in months, maybe even years. I’ve made some lifestyle changes that are helping. I’ve been finding the motivation that I had lost. I can’t predict what is going to happen in the future, but right now I’m tired, but happy, in the now. And tired I can do something about.



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