I’m feeling content tonight.
Today was busy, yet fulfilling.
Meeting this morning, coffee with a couple of friends, then a road trip with B up to Forestberg. Tonight I helped Lynn plant some vegetables in our little garden, and then Lynn and I talked over supper.
It was one of the deepest, most connecting conversations we’ve had in some time. At least since Brenda died. I know she’s still struggling, but I’m glad we were able talk.
After supper, we watched a couple hours of TV and I took Taffy and Rolo for a walk. Man, I cannot believe how much Rolo is shedding. I swear he’s shed his weight in fur in the last couple weeks. The annoying thing…..it is getting quite literally everywhere. Oh well, it’s hard to be mad at him over it when he curls right up into you while your laying on the couch.
I’ve been thinking about things lately. Especially in light of the letter from WCB. The fact that they acknowledged that I do have a disability because of my Ambulance work speaks volumes. It means that what I’m thinking and feeling isn’t all in my head. In a way it’s vindication for the hell of the last few years.
That said, I’ve been thinking about where I go from here.
I’m loving my work for the paper. I’m loving the photography, and I’m loving the writing, and it seems to be something I am good at. The more I think about it, the more solid I am in my decision to go back to school starting this fall.
As for the photography, I love that too, and I want to get better at it. I know practice will get me there, as will some more training. Just out of curiosity I did a google search last night of types of photography, and the list was huge. In my work for the paper, I know I need to be a generalist, but I think I want to focus on a few aspects in particular.
I’ve managed some good photos at sporting events, both hockey and rodeo. I’ve nailed a few landscapes and structures as well. I think I need to focus on those areas most of all, because whether it’s been luck or skill, those are where I have gotten some of my best shots.
Overall, I think I’m in a good place.
It doesn’t change the past though. It doesn’t change the fact that I am still not keen on crowds. It doesn’t change the fact that the sound of sirens still make me jump, cause my heart to pound and my breathing to increase. it doesn’t change the images seared into my psyche.
What does it change then?
My place right now lets me realize that I can live a life outside of mental anguish. It lets me know that I can still be productive, as long as I have an understanding and flexible employer. It doesn’t change the pain of the past, but it does help ease it. It helps me focus on what I might be in the future. It helps me see that a future is possible. It gives me a direction to focus on other than the self imposed hell of my mind.
Most of all my place right now lets me be a rock for Lynn as she deals with a hell of her own.
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