Mourning the past, welcoming the future.

Today has not been a great day. 

Both physically and mentally I’ve been floundering. The bit of the air goes right through my jacket causing my shoulder to stiffen up as soon as I head outside. By the time I shoveled the front walk enough for Lynn to get too and from the house my shoulder was pretty much done, never mind doing the rest of the driveway. 

I’m thankful everyday to know people in this town who own bobcats, and are happy to clear the driveway for us. 

Inside it was stressful as well. I have a couple stories yet to write for the paper but I cannot seem to find the words or the motivation to start them. The constant ache in shoulder and neck doesn’t really help. Nor does the fact that trying to get laundry done,  I found that our water drain is backing up, which we are going to have to get looked at. 

Between the ache, this usually rough time of year for me, Lynn still healing, and everything else that’s been going on in my life and in my mind, it’s not much of a surprise that I’m struggling. The frustration of the mental and physical injuries is understandable. There is a huge difference between understanding and accepting. 

I mourn my past, when I was able to work full-time. I mourn the friendships I’ve lost over the years due to my illness. I mourn the plans for life I had as a youth, and wonder why and where they got derailed. 

There are no easy answers in this life. As much as I mourn the past, I do wonder where my future is going to lead me. I never could have guessed that I would travel the roads I have been on, or met the friends that I now have, or that I would have met my wife, who has definitely had my back through thick and thin. 

Mentally and physically I am scarred. I am tired. I’m still standing. 


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