I have been on an upswing for awhile now. I have been enjoying it. I’ve been exercising every day, and have lost ~5lbs in the last month. I’m doing 1.3-2.3 miles a day on the treadmill. I’m writing several times a week, be it on the blog, for the paper, or the story I am working on. I pulled my 2005 mustang out of winter hibernation, and let it run for awhile. It fired right up. I did a pre-season mechanical check on it. I have interest in what’s going o in the community, and in my church. On the outside, I have it all together.
On the inside too, I am feeling pretty good. But cracks are starting to show. I’m getting more irritable. More tired. I’m starting to pile on more and more, get myself busier and busier.
On the upside, I am sustaining a pace that I haven’t sustained for a long time. On the downside, I’m not sure how long I can keep the pace up without burning myself out. And the ridiculous part of it is, if I do start cracking under pressure, I will get more and more judgemental of myself, that I can’t perform like other people. Then I will get more tired, frustrated, and depressed. I’ve been down this road so many times I’m getting tired of it.
I know that the future is not written for sure. I know that I can ride through this by easing off the gas. I can make use of the skills I have worked my ass off learning. I can take advantage of the supports I have at my finger tips. I can focus on activities that I like, such as working on my car, now that the weather is improving. I can keep pushing myself physically, and keep dropping the weight. I can ease up on commitments, without canceling them all. I can ride this wave that I am on, and use my safety plan if it comes down to it.
Dealing with mental illness, there is no easy answers. My family doctor figures that with my illness, my emotions will always have a wider spreader than most of the population, and that is not a bad thing. It is what makes me who I am. It also means that I am not like most people. I have to pace myself. I have to cut myself slack. It doesn’t mean I am any less of a person. It means that I have to reduce or eliminate the compromising situations I put myself in. That is the major reason I have opted to not go to Calgary Comic Expo this year. My anxiety has been peaked going down there for the last several years, so this year I am going to stay home, run the store, and not push things.
As far as my mustang goes, the maintenance I need to do is minimal, although I am doing the spark plugs, and possibly the wires, as the spark plugs are shot. I’m hoping that they will help the mileage a bit. If nothing else, the work will help me get my mind off the fatigue and emotional roller coaster that I find myself on at times.
I’m definitely looking forward to car show season.
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