The Writing and Photography Blog of Kevin J Sabo

Something I love about my job, both of my jobs, is the varied challenges it gives me.

At the end of June and over the Canada Day long weekend I was able to once again head to Ponoka to cover the Ponoka Stampede for three days.

As hectic and busy as that time is, it is a time of year I always look forward to and every year I go I always pick up some new skills.

While most of the photos I shot I kept for work, I did keep a few for myself.

A bunch more of my work can be found on the Stettler Independent and Ponoka News websites by searching Ponoka Stampede.

While I haven’t been out with the drone as much as I would like, I was able to get it out the other day to do some farm photos for some friends.

Unfortunately, work has been going at such a tempo that school has been falling by the wayside; it is something I really need to make a concerted effort on again.

However, I’m not complaining. While I do have days where I feel tired, I’m not feeling overwhelmed.

That includes having added a workout regime back into my routine. I started the routine back in mid-June and have been carrying it on consistently with cardio one day and resistance training the next.

For the cardio training, over the last month, I have built myself up in endurance to 45 minutes 30 minutes and from 2.5 kilometres to just under 4.25. As for the resistance training, it has remained relatively static as far as weights go, though I have added in a couple of new exercises.

I do some cardio on my weight days as well; I do 20 minutes hard on the treadmill. When I started I was barely making a mile in that time; over the last month my time has steadily come down even recording a sub-17:00 mile one day, and routinely doing sub-18:00 minute-miles.

While the scale has been frustrating, not wanting to relinquish any weight, I am feeling so much better overall since I started this routine that I don’t know why I ever stopped in the first place. No the key will be to keep it going.

The workout routine has been helping me maintain mentally as well, though I did have a meeting with my new psychiatrist earlier this month. While it was a good discussion and a positive that they didn’t make any changes to my meds, some things left me feeling that the jury is still out on whether they will offer the type of support I need.

I think the one thing that bugged me is that Dr. L, while not questioning the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD), wondered whether non-inattentive ADHD might be a better fit instead. I did some reading; while some of the characteristics overlap with BPD, if you get really loose with some of the other characteristics of non-attentive ADHD, you can make it fit. I personally feel that BPD, alongside anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress (PTSD) are more fitting.

BPD has nine main symtpoms:

• Fear of abandonment: check
• Unstable relationships: before I met my wife, yup
• Unclear or shifting self-image: My entire identity was tied up in my job as an EMT. When I lost that, I lost my sense of self… so…check.
• Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours: While they have decreased in time, I was definitely impulsive where it came to spending money and risks on the job, so… yup… check another one.
• Self-harm: no comment….
• Extreme emotional swings: In my worst days my moods could go from zero to 60 and back again in what felt like a heartbeat.
• Chronic feelings of emptiness: Especially after I left my job on the ambulance, I was empty inside. I have since filled that emptiness with a new sense of purpose in my new role with Black Press Media, but it took a lot of time to climb out of that hole, and do so in a way that my identity and self-worth wasn’t completely tied to it.
• Explosive anger: I implode, I don’t explode. As a former therapist once said, I spent “a lot of time kicking my own ass” and a lot of it was anger at myself over percieved fuckups.
• Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality: This symptom never really did affect me.

To be diagnosed with BPD, a person needs to check off five of the nine symptoms.

The problem with BPD is people often see it as a “garbage can” diagnosis where nothing else really fits and sufferers are often characterized as dangerous, manipulative and not to be trusted, which is far from the truth.

While BPD sufferers can be extreme – just ask my wife – they can also be kind, caring, and loving people who seek understanding and reassurance.

As an added bonus, BPD is often comorbidly diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

So, what causes BPD?

Well, there can be a couple things: genetics and trauma.

While I’m not going to delve too deeply into either topic, in my case, genetics is definitely a strong factor whereas developmental trauma is not.

I was adopted as an infant and grew up as an only child, not finding my biological family until I was in twenties.

Suffice it to say, I found a mental health history in my biological family.

However, at the end of the day, the end result is that due to a number of factors my brain has never operated the way the average one does. I dealt with bullying as a kid, and have always had interpersonal difficulties, at least until recent years.

Despite all this, I was able to function well enough to succeed in my career in EMS for a decade. However, the trauma I witnessed on that job did me no favours and left me with a psychological injury on top of everything else, PTSD.

BPD is treated with talk therapy, medication, and cognitive behavioural therapy.

Something else about people with BPD, they can be empathic and friendly.

A game-changer for me in my mental health recovery has been both my photography and this blog.

I know I’ve spoken about having BPD before on this blog, but this is actually what it means.

Thanks for following along.
K