The Writing and Photography Blog of Kevin J Sabo

Content warning: death

Lately, death has been on my mind.

I have had a relationship with death different than most my entire adult life. Between my time spent working on the ambulance and the many struggles I have had with my mental health over the years that have led me to have periods of high suicidality, I have gone toe-to-toe with the reaper on more than one occasion.

Yet, despite my mind’s best efforts to the contrary, I am still here. This is a fact I am actually glad for.

Lynn and I recently lost a family friend. The sudden passing has been… jarring. I can only imagine what the loss is like for their immediate family. Since the death, I have tried to put myself into that position, thinking of the family and friends who would be left behind in the wake of my loss. The conclusions I come to make me realize how poor of a decision ending it would be.

Unfortunately, I am looking at things through the lens of wellness, not illness. When I struggle, that perspective most definitely shifts and I don’t see things the same way. I’m not going to lie, that scares me a little.

However, the thinking I have been doing of late really makes me realize how fragile life is. I’ve often said, when your number is up, there’s not much you can do about it. But, it does makes seeking death seem all the more foolish.

I am grieving the loss of our friend; their presence will be sorely missed.

I do feel blessed, though. Getting through this last bout with my mental health has made me realize how blessed I am. Thanks to the care team I have, thanks to the years of hard work I have put in, while the ride this fall was rougher than it has been, I again made it out relatively unscathed. I have a few fences to mend, but that is a story for another day.

God has given me the skills and healing to essentially have a second chance at life; in the last five years, I have already come further than I thought I ever could. I honestly feel that this perspective shift is one of the biggest turning points I have had all through my recovery. Life is a gift, and its something to hold tight because you never know when it is going to change.

I’m feeling sad but content. I am under no illusions that the path forward is going to be all sunshine and roses, but I do know I have come far enough that giving in to my demons would be foolish.

I appreciate the love and support everyone has given me on this journey; rest assured, there is more to come.

Kevin