The Writing and Photography Blog of Kevin J Sabo

Well, my wobble of the last few weeks seems to be, finally, in the rearview.

Despite our region getting its first blast of winter weather, necessitating me to head home from work early yesterday, I feel like I am finally getting back into my normal form as far as work goes. I’ve been getting quite a bit done, and the stories I’ve been publishing have been fairly clean as far as errors go on teh first pass.

Something that has been helping immensely is managing to do a soft reset on my sleep schedule. I can not underscore the importance of having a somewhat consistent wake-sleep cycle and its effects on my mental. Getting my sleep back into a normal rhythm after the craziness of travel during Lynn’s procedure in Edmonton at the beginning of the month has definitely helped.

So has getting back into my job; between dealing with Lynn’s health stuff, holidays, being sick and my mental health wobble, I didn’t really work at my usual level for a solid few weeks.

When my mental health issues rear their ugly head, it is really easy to get down on myself. It’s really easy to listen to that voice in the back of my head that says ‘I’m not enough’ and ‘people are going to see through me.’ It’s easy to let myself fall back into negative cycles of despair and to believe that because of my mental health illness, I am not worth as much as anyone else.

What I need to realize is mental illness doesn’t take away my worth. Despite my best efforts at self-sabotage, I have proven myself to be capable in the position I am. That is what I need to focus on when I begin to struggle. While the trauma of my past has guided me to the point I am at today, I need to realize that it doesn’t define me.

I’ll be blunt; dealing with mental illness sucks. It makes you question yourself and the decisions you make. I’ll be honest, when I am in the throes of an episode I do sometimes make decisions that … I am less than proud of. Those decisions have cost me more than a few relationships and friendships over the years. However, I am getting significantly better at navigating those turbulent times and even when I do make mistakes, as gut-wrenching as they feel at the time, it is possible for me to move on without completely catastrophizing them. These are all improvements, slowly but surely.

A lot of road has passed before and behind me over the last two decades. I’ve learned a lot about myself; I’ve had more than a few close calls. At the end of the day, despite the challenges and having to reinvent myself in a post-healthcare career, I’m still standing. Looking at the road behind me, everything I have overcome, and everything I have accomplished, I can’t help but be a little awed by the person I have become. I dug in and found a resilience that I didn’t know I had.

Mental illness doesn’t have a look. Robin Williams is proof that the happiest-appearing people can have the most tragic of outcomes. But, as tough as things can be, death and pain don’t have to be the only way out. I’m proof of that.

And that is what I want to leave this blog off with: Hope.

If you are struggling, if you are wandering in the darkness and feel alone and despair, know that you matter, and know that with time and patience, better days will come again.

Kevin